Relationship expert says this is the #1 thing to do after a breakup

You just went through a breakup. Now what? All you know is you are newly single, and the pain from the breakup stings.

Maybe you didn’t want it to end.  Perhaps you are eager to find a new person to date.  Or, you want to take a second, reflect and be alone.  So much is flooding through your mind.  Your thoughts are running wild, the emotional pain, the heartache, perhaps fear of starting over, anxiety of being alone, the what ifs, maybe desperation, it’s all setting in.

I had the wonderful opportunity to interview Jaime Bronstein, Licensed Relationship Therapist and Author of “MAN*ifesting: A Step-By-Step Guide to Attracting The Love That’s Meant for You.”  She has been named  #1 Relationship Coach Transforming Lives by Yahoo.

What is the #1 thing to do after a breakup?

Bronstein says, “It’s really important to heal your unresolved issues before you enter into another relationship.”

Sounds easy, or sounds like it doesn’t apply to you?

Rest assured, it applies to everybody.

Each relationship offers you an opportunity to learn, evaluate, improve yourself, show up better, realize what traits in a partner are ideal for you – which ones are not, and start fresh – upon proper reflection and work.

The staggering truth?

“The sad thing is most human beings are not reflective, not introspective,” Bronstein said. In her book, she describes “a dating persona called ‘The Repeater.’ That’s the person that dates the same type of person over and over without any awareness that it’s not working for them.” More likely than not, the exact relationship pattern (start—end) occurs in each, as it’s cyclic.

We know it is important to break the cycle in any sector of our lives that leads to less growth or fosters unhealthy patterns and behaviors.

After a breakup, “It’s important to look at the unresolved issues that need to be resolved.”

Instead of blaming – just remind yourself that sometimes things don’t work out, however it’s important to do the healing work.

Bronstein has a successful process for resolving unresolved issues called “compassionate self-forgiveness.”

What is compassionate self-forgiveness?

Step 1 – “Identify what the misbelief is.”

Common misbeliefs people have include:

  • “I’m not worthy of love,” and
  • I am not capable of having a relationship”

Know that these misbeliefs stem from your ego (your mind), “which spews out lies and fear-based thinking,” Bronstein reassures.

Let your ego go and “move into your heart, which is truth.”

Your heart will tell you:

  • “I am capable,
  • I am worthy of love.”

Step 2 – Bronstein encourages people “to go back in their mind to previous relationships or childhood.”

  • Try to pinpoint why you feel the way you do, what is going on, why these issues are popping up

The most important thing to do after a breakup and before diving headfirst into another one “is to heal.”

Can you date before healing and moving on?

Bronstein recommends it.  She underscores, “I’m not a fan of ‘don’t date,’ but as you date, ‘do the work…do the work!’”

If you want a healthy, happy, longstanding relationship, “putting in the work” after a breakup is key to success.

As we have heard repeatedly, you can’t keep doing the exact same thing and expect a different result.

In a relationship, try to be:

  • Happy
  • A true partner
  • A kind, loving person
  • Devoted and trustworthy
  • In it for all the right reasons

I encourage you to take Bronstein’s advice to live a healthier personal relationship category of life.

Watch for more from Jaime Bronstein, LCSW in the coming weeks. 

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